Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
