i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
