How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
