I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
