It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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