i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
