She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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