decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
