I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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