theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
