My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
