yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
