the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
