when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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