i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
