There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
