Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Ketchup is God's man juice
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
