apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
