My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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