U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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