paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
How does one acquire holy water?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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