What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
