I'm so fucking centered right now
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
