I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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