Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
