I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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