I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
