I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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