had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
