Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
