I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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