I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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