I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
