I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
