i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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