There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
