It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
