I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
