a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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