i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
