Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
