My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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