I think my fart just growled at me.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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