I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
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