Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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