If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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