captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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