if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you will always have a special place in my vag
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
