Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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