come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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