i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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