you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
